Welcome to Tuesdays with Chel.
Each week Chel Micheline of gingerblue dot com will offer her perspectives on our Bliss Habits. Please enjoy the wisdom and clarity she offers.
“If you live between two worlds, trying to please them all, you eventually snap. If you jump into your own world, trying to listen to your heart, you eventually dance on air.”
– Terri St. Cloud“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”
– Anna Quindlen
Okay, here are some awful truths about me.
I am HORRIBLE at responding to calls, emails, messages, snail mails- you name it. If it needs a response, I will put it off. And put it off. And put it off. Maybe three months later I will finally get around to *thinking* about maybe responding. But I still don’t do it. You should see how many email boxes I have named “WRITE BACK RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE!!”
Yes, I know this is awful. Trust me, I agonize over it.
It’s not because I don’t like communicating with people. It’s certainly not because I don’t adore my friends. And it’s definitely not because I don’t want to make new connections that might turn into friendships (if I don’t scare that person away with my crappy communication habits).
So, then, why do I do it?
When I respond to anything, especially something from someone I like, I feel like that process deserves my full attention. Thoughtfulness. Mindfulness. Focus. So I wait for a moment when I don’t feel like I’m in the middle of 500 things and 500 more aren’t battling for my attention.
Guess what? That moment NEVER comes. I can’t remember that last time I felt like that. (Also, I struggle with brevity, which you may have noticed by the length of my posts here on Bliss Habits. Writing one or two sentences? Doesn’t happen.)
It’s gotten so bad that I don’t even open snail mail anymore, unless I know it won’t require a personal response. Bills? I tear them right open and pay right away. A formal looking letter of any sort? No problem. But, a personal letter? A card? Anything addressed with someone’s actual handwriting? It gets placed lovingly on my desk, where I look at it for days or weeks but won’t allow myself to open it because I know I won’t be able to sit down and give it the respect I feel it deserves.
So yeah, there’s that.
Another awful truth about me? I’m a super picky eater.
I love all kinds of foods, but there are very few foods that I will actually eat. There’s a few reasons for this- I’ve been a vegetarian for over 20 years and I’ve developed a sixth sense for when any kind of food has non-veg “flavoring”, etc. My stomach can be touchy, especially when I get stressed. I’m literally allergic to anything “spicy” (it causes a skin reaction and hurts- like, A LOT). I actually ENJOY things like whole grains and hummus and beans and big crisp salads. And, finally, whenever I put anything into my body that’s not that good for me, I totally feel it the next day when I’m in the pool, struggling to swim my five miles. And I regret it. Big time. Five minutes of food happiness isn’t worth two and a half hours of trudging through the water.
So, when I go out to dinner, I usually get a big salad. If you invite me to your house for dinner, I’ll likely not eat much. If you bring me over a meal, I’ll pick at it a tiny bit and then pass the rest on to Tom.
It’s not because I don’t love you, or love your food, it’s because of who I am.
I’m picky about other things, too. I’m always concerned about proximity to a bathroom. I drink a ton of hot tea. When I’m not sipping at a cup of tea, I’m guzzling iced tea. I like to drink tea, what can I say? I like it better than eating, I guess. Anyway, due to the tea I consume, I pee. A lot. (Sorry, TMI, I know…)
So I constantly worry about where the bathroom is and the timing of everything I do outside the house. How long will the ride be? Where are we going? What time will we get there? Where will we be sitting?
I time everything and try to place myself on the ends of rows at movies and things like that so that there’s very few dashes to the bathroom. People think I’m being distracted or fussy about things, but it’s really because I’m nervous about the bathroom thing.
What else? Oh, I hate planning ahead. This is sort of a new “awful truth” since I’ve always been a control freak. But stuff like playdates, hanging out with friends, buying tickets for the movies? I’d much rather figure it out the day of, thanks very much.
Why? Because I never know how I’m going to feel on a certain day. That’s one of the really bad things about having a chronic health problem- I have to take it day by day. So planning ahead is something I’ve pretty much stopped doing. Which kinda sucks because it seems like everyone else has to plan ahead (and trust me, I totally get it…) But I can’t help but wish it was still like it was when I was a kid- when you wanted to do something, you called someone up or stopped by their house and if they were available, it happened. Now it’s planning things weeks in advance.
And, oh yeah- if you even joke about hating certain companion animals, or mistreating them, I can’t be your friend. That’s that- it’s a personal hot-button issue. I know not everyone feels this way, and I don’t walk around trying to get everyone to change their mind about it, but it’s *my* touchy subject. I think everyone has their own version of this, whether it’s about animals or religion or education or children or parenting or politics or whatever.
So why am I telling you all this? (Well, besides the fact that it’s humility week here on Bliss Habits….)
Because I’ve learned something: When you get honest about yourself about your habits, your tendencies, who you REALLY are (the good and the bad), it’s easier to be honest with other people about who you are.
And when you are honest with other people about who you are, they get a better understanding of how you work. If they are okay with it, they continue the relationship. If not, they walk away. There’s no pretending, no curtain coming down later in the relationship, no hurt hearts or feelings of “wow, she’s SO different than I thought!”
By coming to terms with the “awful truths” about who we are, we actually provide a great service to ourselves and the world around us- we filter out people who won’t be okay with our honest selves, and we attract those that WILL be okay with our honest selves. And that’s the foundation for amazing relationships- friendships and otherwise.
Also, by being honest about yourself, about all the “awful truths”, you are giving implicit permission for your friends and loved ones to be honest about who THEY are. That is huge.
So, today come to terms with your own “awful truths”. Stop hiding them. Instead, try and embrace them (as long as they are not hurting anybody). In fact, if you’d like, you can go ahead and share your “awful truths” down there in the comment section. I bet we all have a lot more in common than we may think…
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Chel as usual this is terrific. For decades I would get annoyed with my family because they never answered or returned phone calls. I was single at the time so it never made sense to me that they couldn’t find the time to do so. Now here I sit married and with a 5 year old and I have become one of those people. If you leave a comment on my blog I won’t miss it but every other form of communication has become optional to me… sometimes I feel bad about it, particularly since some of my family members don’t even have computers. I send great gifts to make up for my lack of communication but I’m sure it really doesn’t.
Just one of my awful truths… this is cathartic. Perhaps I’ll be back to share more!
It is cathartic, yes? t’s funny, because once I spoke these out loud (ESPECIALLY the picky eater one) it’s like I suddenly shifted into that. I mean, I’ve always *been* a picky eater, but I sort of came into it and owned it by admitting it. Now I know it’s just who I am and I feel like I don’t need to the wrestle with the “do I want to eat that? not really. but it’ll please someone/make life easier/not make waves” thing. I’m ready to own it and just let it be.
This is similar to a post I just did – we are all human and it is so much better to love ourselves and each other the way we are! Here’s the post: http://togetherwalking.weebly.com/1/post/2012/04/the-ultimate-and-final-confession.html
Amen! Thank you so much for sharing (have your blog bookmarked for afternoon reading over a cup of tea!) One of my friends told me your post was one of the better things she’s read in a while so I’m looking forward to it!
Chel, you have a way of putting it so well, that we all can find ourselves in the same place as you! When we give ourselves a break, it can be so freeing. Tuning in to how we really are can liberate us from internal negative-talk, or being snappy with others. In out days of information and communication-overload, it’s hard sometimes to know who and what to respond to and in what time frame. I like what Kathy said about options. If we allow ourselves options, maybe we find some balance…Maybe! :o)
Yes! It’s a personal freedom, declaring our truths and defining our own boundaries, isn’t it? I think true freedom comes not from being incredibly flexible, but to know exactly how you tick and honor that. It makes life simpler for everyone. In a way, it’s like parenting- Gracie is much happier when I define the boundaries for her- she knows that she free WITHIN those boundaries and she doesn’t have to keep questioning “is this okay? is THIS okay?” Also, as a parent, I know GRACIE’s “awful truths” (she’s awesome, but she’s a picky eater and she can be shy around new people) so I can help her through situations instead of trying to make her something she’s not (adventurous eater, outgoing with brand new people).
What a brave post to put all that out there. I still love you! Here’s one of mine: I hate making phone calls. I worry that I won’t ask the right questions or that I will be asked questions that I won’t be able to answer. Even personal calls sometimes freak me out if it’s to someone I don’t know all that well. Getting someone’s voicemail, that’s even worse. I’ll either not leave a message or I leave a long rambling one and sound like a complete nut. One more, I’m a very punctual person. If I have to wait on someone that is going to make me late, my insides start twisting inside. I become extremely stressed at the thought of being late.
Thank you! <3 <3 I am punctual, too. Being late, just the IDEA of it, make me want to throw up a little. And if I am punctual, I expect other people to be as well. Waiting in doctor's offices has become my BIGGEST pet peeve lately. Not only do I hate sitting crammed in with a bunch of people in this weirdly quiet anxious environment, I hate wasting time in that situation.
It's been an *adventure* to live with Tom, because he's always at least three minutes late to anything, even if he gives himself enough time. He thrives on chaos at the last minute. So usually if I am being OCD about timing and he's doing his last minute chaos dance, we manage to get to places *right* on time!
Good post – thanks for sharing. I don’t like calling people – mails, letters, blog posts I will answer immediately. almost obsessionally (though I get many mails throughout the day, I rarely have more than a couple of emails in my in box at any time because they are all answered, sent, filed IMMEDIATELY – it’s like Pavlov’s dog everytime that little “ding” goes off! LOL).
Like you I love my friends and I’m usually the one who is telling the joke, making everyone laugh and generally entertaining the group….however, when the mood strikes, and the homing pigeon syndrome washes over me, I have to leave and like Marlene Dietrich, I simply “want t be alone”….which can take others by surprise. This can happen suddenly and can last for several days, even weeks – I am not sad, or depressed but simply no longer wish to interact. I’ve never written that down before – it sounds utterly mad! My good friends accept it as just me but I have known those who have taken it as a personal slight……
I LOVE your list! I, too, hate the phone. I resisted a smart phone forever because I didn’t want it to follow me around! I don’t answer my phone very often, to be honest. And I love your “want to be alone”- that’s VERY brave. I think we ALL have that, but very few of us honor it. WE stay in situations that make us antsy or anxious and we suffer from it. Why do that to ourselves! Thank you *so* much for your comment, you and I are so similar!
Aha! So THAT’s why you didn’t answer my snail mail back in February! tee hee
Seriously, I worry about proximity to bathrooms too. Being a diabetic, and someone who has suffered from IBS all my life, I need to know where the bathrooms are!
I never know how I’ll be feeling on a particular day either–but my concerns are more mental than physical. I often make plans to meet up with people and when the day comes, I want to stay home. Sometimes I have stayed home…I’m sure I’ve let my book group down more than once.
And I too have trouble with snail mail, or loooong emails.
I’m fussy about my food too. Back in November, I got in an small spat with a woman I’ve been friends with for more than 30 years. She tried to choose a restaurant for us to visit, and the food on the online menu was grossing me out. (Duck tacos?! What the duck?!) She finally snapped, “What DO you eat, anyway?” I hung up on her. (We’ve made up since then). I know my situation as a vegetarian-who-rarely-eats-dairy-and-is-a-Type-II-Diabetic can exasperate some folks.
Sometimes I want to just sit and read a book. I don’t want to make art, or talk to my husband, or play with the fur babies.
And yes, I want to be paid for doing nothing! (Isn’t that a dream?)
Thanks for being honest–I still think you’re great!
<3 Thank you. This is HUGE for me right now: "Sometimes I want to just sit and read a book. I don’t want to make art, or talk to my husband, or play with the fur babies." I know EXACTLY what you mean. Lately all I want to do is go outside, sit on the swing, and look at a magazine. That's it. No art, no conversation, no writing, no cuddling. I know it sounds selfish, but it makes me feel very good. Just a time out from life. <3