permission to DIS-engage!

Welcome to Tuesdays with Chel.

Each week Chel Micheline of gingerblue dot com will offer her perspectives on our Bliss Habits. Please enjoy the wisdom and clarity she offers.

“The truth is that we are people who are energized in solitude, rather than among people. We may be comfortable and articulate in social situations and we may enjoy people, but our time in the outer worlds drains us and we must retreat into solitude to be recharged. …We have a rich inner life that brings us great stimulation and satisfaction. Neurological studies have demonstrated that our brains naturally have more activity and blood flow, and thus we need less external stimulation in order to thrive.” – Adam McHugh

Do you consider yourself friendly and outgoing, but find yourself depleted or tired after spending time with people?
Do you enjoy reading, writing, or other creative pursuits, usually done in solitude or a space of quiet?
Does the idea of a few hours to yourself, alone, not freak you out?
Would you prefer having a small group of very close friends/family to a wide net of acquaintances?
Do you prefer having a deep conversation with one other person to light chit-chat with a lot of people?

Does any of this resonate with you? Well, then, read on.

When I was a child, I talked. Constantly. I was cheerful and eager to engage with other people. I tried to make friends with every adult and child I met. Even though I was an only child, there were always lots of relatives stopping by our house for a chat and a piece of Entenmann’s, so there was always someone around to talk to. My family is Italian, and I grew up on Long Island, and talking loudly, gesturing, and interacting constantly was a way of life for us.

I’ve gotten a lot more mellow as I’ve gotten older, but, needless to say, I am *not* a “quiet”, shy, or withdrawn person. I have no problems speaking to people or stating my opinions.

BUT… and this is a big but… interacting with people has always exhausted me, physically worn me down. I don’t think I really noticed it until I was in college. I would eagerly wait for the weekends so I could go out with my friends, but after I got home at night I found myself tremendously relieved to be alone, in the quiet. I felt like I needed to recharge my batteries, as if they had been depleted simply by being around the people I liked best, felt most comfortable with.

Even after I left home, I never had roommates because when I came home from class or from time with friends, I needed my space. And even though I grew up in a busy house with family all around, everyone tended to gather in the kitchen, so I could always escape up to my room when I needed to be alone- and I did spend a lot of time up there.

When I met my husband, I found that I could spent a lot of time with him without needing a recharge. That was unusual for me, but so welcome. It was the same with my daughter. They are the two people in the world I can spend a lot of time with without feeling as if I need “a breather”.

But, of course, “home” has changed. Instead of the quiet and space I’ve always had, I now have constant companionship. There’s always someone to talk to, someone to spend time with. My husband telecommutes so he’s home all day, every day. Gracie is six, so she’s full of things to talk about and ideas to try. She spends her days at school, but when she comes home- six year old energy!

So now my home isn’t a quiet cocoon away from the world, it’s got energy and life. It doesn’t deplete me, it just sort of balances itself out. BUT, because I am interacting so often with my family,  I’ve found myself needing less and less of a social life outside of my house.

For a while, I thought something might be wrong with me. I mean, who doesn’t go out and spend time with friends? I kept reading that “community” was important to well-being, and that a close group of friends was essential to a happy life. So, I forced myself to go out, to join organizations and book clubs and try and meet other people.

But, it wasn’t really working for me. No matter where I would go and who I was with, I would come home depleted. If I made plans with a friend, I would start getting exhausted just *thinking* about it, just anticipating going out.

So then I started thinking maybe I just hadn’t found my “tribe” yet- the right group of people. People who wouldn’t make me feel as if being social was a job and not something super fun. But even though I found lots of people with my interests and my schedule, socializing continued to be challenging for me. It just *zapped* me.

Frustrated and at the end of my rope, I started doing some research on adult friendship, psychology, and neuroscience, thinking maybe I could puzzle it out that way.

It was then I started stumbling on information about introverts. At first, I dismissed the idea. I assumed introvert meant “shy”, quiet, still. Definitely not me, the chatterbox from “Lawn Guyland”.

But the more I read, the more that I realized that the whole perception of what being an “introvert” entails is COMPLETELY wrong. Being an introvert has absolutely nothing to do with how shy you are (or aren’t), or how easily you can interact with another person, or even how often you leave your house.

Instead, it has to do with how your brain processes things. (I’m not a neuroscientist, so please forgive me VERY simplified explanation of this…) When your brain is processing information and ideas, it requires physical energy. People who are introverts have active brains- we think and process and review things constantly. CONSTANTLY. We’re always scanning everything around us for information, dissecting situations, exploring possibilities, asking internal questions, and creating scenarios.

And all that information-crunching that our brains do requires energy. Physical energy.

And when an introvert goes out into the world and interacts with other people, the brain goes on overtime. Not only is it crunching information at its regular speed, but it is absorbing MORE information- each interaction is a treasure trove of information for the brain to process and sort. So an introvert’s brain is constantly requiring more and more energy to work.  It can get PHYSICALLY exhausting to interact.

This is why small talk is a challenge for most introverts. Why? In the average “random chit-chat”, MANY topics are covered in a small amount of time. Instead of being able to skip from topic to topic, the introvert’s brain jumps DEEP into the possibilities and ideas of *each* topic brought up in conversation. It’s much harder for an introvert to switch gears and start all over again when a new topic is brought up. It’s much easier to stick to one topic, but really lover it in detail. That’s why most introverts prefer deep conversation with someone they know well- the brain can “click” into a gear and then stay in that gear for a while.

Finding out that I was an introvert was the most liberating discovery I have ever made about myself. Why? Because it gave me permission to be myself. The truth is, I love connecting with other people, but I need time and space to recharge. Often. With my family situation- a husband always at home, a six year old daughter full of six year old energy- I am constantly engaging with people, even though it’s not a large variety of people.

Although most research on well-being states that community and socializing is an important part of a happy life, for introverts, there are a whole different set of rules. Because our brains are always in super-processing mode, we require less external stimulation to make us feel happy and fulfilled. In fact, it’s very easy to OVER-stimulate our brains, which leads to excess stress.

It was a TREMENDOUS weight off my shoulders to learn that I wasn’t “broken” because I didn’t want to go out for cocktails, or have ten playdates a week. It was just the way I was built. It also gave me permission to stop the fruitless search for my “tribe” and realize that the people I had been searching for all along were right here- my little family. They surround me with love and companionship, they inspire me, and they fulfill my need for interaction. I rarely feel lonely.

So I’m writing this in case there’s anyone out there like me- anyone who wonders why they get depleted simply by going out with good friends, or people who are searching high and low for the “right fit” friends and just getting exhausted by the search. Chances are, you already have everything you need to be happy- you just need the permission to stop the search and the socializing and do what makes YOU feel happy and comfortable.