just ask!

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Welcome to Tuesdays with Chel.

Each week Chel Micheline of gingerblue dot com will offer her perspectives on our Bliss Habits. Please enjoy the wisdom and clarity she offers.

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get.”
– Stevie Wonder

A recent conversation with my daughter went a little something like this:

Grace: “Mom, I’m hungry. Can I have something to eat?”
Me: “Sure. Are you thinking of anything in particular?”
Grace: “I don’t know…”

Gracie and I proceeded to bounce the idea back and forth for a few minutes- big meal or snack? Hot or cold – and eventually we settled on something agreeable to both of us, she got her meal, and I went back to work.

The basic gist of it was that Gracie wanted something, and I needed to clarify exactly what it was (and what I was capable of at that moment) so that I could get it to her in a way that would make us both feel like we’d gotten what we needed. She needed food because she was hungry, I needed to be a good mom and I was also trying to get back to work quickly since I had a deadline.

If you know any kids, you are likely aware of the fact that a huge chunk of their communication consists of questions. It’s how they navigate the world- since they are dependent on the adults around them for a lot of things, they have to ask for what they need and for what they want. I’m sure we all remember asking a lot of questions as a kid. Why is the sky blue? Who has the purple crayon? Can I have some ice cream? How are babies made?

But as kids grow into adults, autonomy replaces the questions. If you are hungry, you get yourself some food. If you want to know why the sky is blue, you look it up on Wikipedia. Instead of engaging with the world as a primary means of communication, we tend to do it only when we can’t take care of something ourselves and have exhausted all the options.

I started realizing a few months ago that as much as I champion independence and LOVE being an adult, our general reluctance to ask for things is a *really* bad thing. Why? Because as much as we can do for ourselves, get for ourselves, buy for ourselves, there is still so much we *can’t* do, get, buy, find, make happen.

Why are we so reluctant to ask for help, ask for the things we want? There’s an implication that it’s selfish, maybe it means we are lazy. But think about it… if we started asking for what we wanted, in clear and polite terms, things would change radically.

If you read my writing, you know I’m very much a champion of well-being but I’m a little “iffy” on the metaphysical stuff, mostly because it hasn’t been in my experience and I like science. But I *do* believe that the universe (in whatever sense you take that word to be- all the people in the world, all living things, the Universe itself, the Divine- whatever) WILL respond to direct requests.

Maybe I don’t necessarily believe that the stars align and there’s some supernatural force clicking things into perfect order for us to get what we ask for, but it only makes SENSE that things begin to manifest if we ask for them.

Why? Because we are alerting other people around us to our needs, and whether they are actively searching on our behalf or not, they are suddenly aware of what we’re looking for. And if they stumble upon it, they are much more likely to point us in the right direction because they know we are looking for it.

Asking for what we need is like casting out a wide net. And the more we ask for, and the more specific we are, the more likely we are to get what we need.

Alright, here’s an example. Say you want to write a book. If think it to yourself, that’s great- you can work towards that goal.

But if you mention it to a friend, she may hold on to the thought and then call you up in a week and say “hey, I saw a post on the Starbucks’ Community Wall about a local writing group and thought of you .” If you mention it to a group of friends in passing, a friend may pull you aside and say “I’d love to write a book, too, but I didn’t realize anyone else was interested in that. Maybe we meet regularly and read each other’s writing and work together?” If you post about it in Facebook, a few of your friends may respond with their experiences, or maybe they’ll share a link to an online writing class or a resource you may not have known about. If you post about it in a public forum, someone you *don’t* know may contact you and point you in yet another direction.

This whole exchange of possibilities that happens when you bravely ask for something is the same exact thing that happened when Gracie asked me for some food: Clarification and compromise. If all goes well, both parties ending up satisfied. Sometimes it takes a lot longer than we think it should, and it involves work (on both parts), but it happens more often than not.

So next time you want something, need something, consider ASKING for it. Ask a friend. Share it on your Facebook wall. Announce it to a group of people at the next party you attend. Contact someone strange out of the blue who has a connection or insight and ASK them.

Most likely, your request will be received with a question- that’s the universe (or your community) requesting some clarity so you can get what you want and not just a generic version of the thing you asked for. You have to respond to that request for clarity as many times as it takes, and through that process of asking and clarifying, asking and clarifying, you eventually will find yourself in a place where the very thing you asked for comes into your life.

I would be thrilled if you would use the comments of this post to ask a question- ask for what you need, what you’d like, or what you are wondering about. Whatever comes to mind.