I’ve got no tidy answers! Where are you being false?

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” ~e.e. cummings

I’ve been starting my days, for the past month or so, by listening to  Dhyan Vimal’s 90 Day Mastery Challenge messages. These, less then two minute, little talks are designed to give one a small thing to meditate on each day. So far I have found each of the topics enlightening and very thought provoking. I am on day 41 of the 90 day program and I can easily see myself cycling through them all again because of the fascinating inquiry and self discovery they provide.

The question from Monday, “How have you become false?” has been staying with me. Dhyan suggests that there are reasons we do not stay entirely true to ourselves and we were instructed to meditate and discover when and where we were doing this. The mere question was confronting for me.

• I am false out of kindness

I like to believe that I am always acting true to myself but in the moment of his asking I realized this was not true. I regularly modify who I am being depending on where I am and who I am with. Part of my reason for doing this, is out of kindness and my perceived notion of what may be acceptable or unacceptable to you.

For example, if you are having or have had trouble conceiving a child, I am not going to tell you that when my hubby and I decided we wanted a baby we got pregnant the first month trying. This can certainly be considered kind, something I whole heartedly embrace, if not advocate. This kindness, however, can become a cop out , when I find myself also avoiding difficult conversations on the basis that they may ruffle someones feathers or somehow make our relationship less comfortable.

Politically I would classify myself as a Liberal. If I know you too are liberal I feel no qualms about sharing the latest Rachel Maddow quip, voicing my outrage at the latest governmental blunder, or even my general satisfaction in Obama’s handling of things. If, however, I even suspect you might not share my opinions, I do not open my mouth. I would much rather have you think that I hope Obama is a one term president then get into some heated political debate. Which leads me to my second reason for being false.

• I am false when don’t have immediate access to the facts to back up my beliefs

It is almost impossible to know everything about a given topic but I am generally afraid that if I try to defend a particular point of view, I just won’t be able to to do it justice.  I don’t have time to learn all the nuances of every debate so while I have some general underlying convictions my inability to recall and know the salient details on a particular topic usually renders me mute. I am embarrassed about not keeping up more on world events or even local politics so my general Democratic leanings feel susceptible to easy toppling. I really hate the idea of showing my less then smart, ostrich with head in sand tendencies so I’d rather stay silent.

I have another sub category of falseness that could be rooted in either niceness or my lack of convincing knowledge on a subject.

• I am false when I don’t want to rock the boat.

I particularly show this tendency around Christians.  I am agnostic, a fact I have no discomfort with in the company of Muslims, Jews  and virtually any faith but Christian. Perhaps it is growing up Catholic and my penchant for dating Christian men that causes the problem but I rarely if ever speak of my true beliefs if I suspect you have a strong Christian faith.

Culturally, I participate in the celebration of Christmas which I expect would annoy if not enrage many “true believers”. I occasionally attend Church with my Mom, out of respect for her Catholic beliefs but I am not raising my daughter in any formal religion. Because I am intimately familiar with Christian beliefs it easy to pass as Christian and most of the time I do.

For a long time, I did not think this was a problem. I felt it was harmless but lately I’ve been wondering as I see the tide of intolerance rising. In the political arena it would be unthinkable for an agnostic to become president. Many “tea party” candidates would like everyone to believe that our country was founded on Christian principles but this is just not true. Our founding fathers were very cautious about the separation of church and state and most would be appalled at the recent proclivity to bring God into the matters of state.

• I am false when I just don’t know what to do

Environmentally I consider myself  “crunchy around the edges” as I recycle and think about sustainability when making some of my shopping choices. Does this mean I should only buy local or only buy organic? If I see someone not recycling should I speak up? I try to carry a reusable bag but when I do accept the plastic ones when I forget, is this being false?  I hate the idea of pesticides and feel my blood boil when I think of Monsanto’s GMO foods but when a black widow spider invades my home I think about (but so far have resisted) buying poison.

I could go on and on here. I, by no means, think I have all the answers on anything and try to stay open minded.  I do think there are things worth taking a stand on but often, I really don’t know how to do so. This not knowing leaves me being a jumble of inconsistency and feeling like I am being false at every turn.

I’m going to wrap this up now. I wish I had a tidy little answer that would solve this dilemma. I am however clear that until I do, I will continue to bump up against my soul who is pleading for me to figure it out. I recently spoke of my desire to be a Practical Revolutionary and I believe having  the courage to confront the dark corners where I have become false is my path there.

How about you?  Where in your life do you become false?