This past weekend, an Embassy Suites patron said something distasteful to me. We, my family and I, were standing in the elevator when my daughter dropped the towel she was wearing in a heap on the floor. I asked her to pick it up, then another patron said to her, “Don’t worry, they have people who will clean that up for you.” The fellow got off the elevator on the very next floor and I was left once again with an unspoken rant in my head.
“Someone else will pick it up for you? Can’t we take some personal responsibility?! This is the problem with the planet, we are all walking around waiting for someone else to pick up after us. I want my daughter to learn that this is not OK and we all have to do our part and not expect people to follow us around and take care of things we should take care to do….”
Not able to deliver my little tirade to the person who provoked my thoughts I began crafting the blog post to right the collective wrong on this type of behavior. If I couldn’t tell that man why I thought he was rude and dismissive to the staff and downright wrong to tell my daughter that it was ok for her to behave that way, I could garner support from the world at large. I would incite you to say “Why yes, you are so right and we should definitely be on the lookout for this type of egregious behavior!”
I am right and you, contemptible man, are wrong.
With every comment and re-tweet I would feel morally justified in my indignation. I am gathering a tribe of people who feel the same. There are now so many of us who know you are wrong we practically have a movement! My excitement grows. We have a cause. It is us against types like you!
And then I see it. The slippery slope of my moral outrage.
It so quickly becomes us against you. Me versus you.
It separates us. You become someone, something I don’t even want to consider. I think, “If we could just box up this bad apple and put it out of sight then all will be well.” but it just doesn’t work that way. My righteous thoughts keep any chance of healing at bay. We are all a part of the world. You, me and every person and point of view in between.
I am angry with the “straw women” in my post from Monday and now I am angry with another stranger who *gasp* failed to live up to my standards of how a human being should behave. What if this anger could, instead of driving a wedge between us, open up a dialog for what is possible? Instead of narrowly defining those with dissenting opinions what would happen if I gave up my judgments?
Sitting here, newly in the question, I do not have any answers. It feels so right (there is that word again!) to release humanity, and myself, from my impossible standards but what happens from there? Enlightened folks like Jesus and Gandhi would suggest this is a path to healing and if we could all do this our collective ills would dissolve.
Outrage and indignation feel powerful. In you versus me I know where to stand. In we versus no one the path isn’t quite so clear, but as I sit here, allowing the inquiry, I am sure our planet is hoping for exactly this kind of opening. The road of judgement hasn’t gotten us what we say we want so it is time for another tact.
It will not be easy, our judgments are easily riled. It will take awareness and resolve not to bring blame to our interactions and forgiveness will be required whenever we feel wronged and/or when we are unsuccessful.
What will awaken if we give up our moral judgments? I’m not sure I can even fathom the outcome. Would you like to join me in the inquiry?
Balance is harder to achieve than it looks, isn’t it? *sigh*
Amen!
What if maybe it wasn’t a moral judgement on the person, but we keep the judgement on the behavior – because … plastic does kill, and I don’t want my kid being told other people, especially hard working underpaid people in the service industry, are there to be treated as servants. I remember way back when the nuns told us you forgive the sinner a thousand times, but don’t accept the sin ….
Thank you Lisa! Your comment has me breathing easier… I am not sure how release judgement on a person while interacting with the act is done… any tips for this? I don’t want forgiveness to mean there are no consequences to actions but it is SO difficult not to feel justified…
I struggle with this every day myself. Whoever of us figures it out first, let’s make a pact to let the other one in on the secret 😉
But I have known people who have the ability to call people on stuff in a completely nonjudgemental, not angry way. I do alot alot alot of metta meditation … maybe before I die, I will be able to do it a little too …..
Even if you did say something directly to this man, it would not have made a different. Sad as that reality is. The best one can do is to teach respect and empathy and love to a child – to not expect things to be handed to them and that honesty and good habits will be rewarded in an enriched life. This man exhibited what I like to refer to as “entitlement” – it matters not how much people make or what they do. Every one should be responsible for their own actions.