Welcome to Tuesdays with Chel.
“We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.” – Henri Nouwen
“Carve out the time. Notice I do not say find the time. That is an absurd and dangerous phrase. Time is never lying around waiting for us to find her. She is elusive. She wants you to sculpt her like clay, to mold her into exactly the form you desire your days to take. If you refuse to do that, if you spend your mornings worrying and your afternoons catering to others, always hoping there will be a few minutes left for you, time will play you like a sucker, making you run harder and faster with each passing week. Time wants you to realize that she is the most precious and irreducible fact in your live. Make her into what you will.”
― Jennifer Louden
Here’s a scenario:
Say you go to your favorite cafe or coffee shop (or grocery store or yoga place or whatever) and when you get to the counter, you are greeted with a warm smile – the person who is interacting with you seems alert and engaged, and the exchange is extremely pleasant.
How do you feel after that?
Another scenario: you go to the same place, but this time the person at the counter is polite, but guarded. Even though she is perfectly helpful, she seems a little bit removed from the situation. Maybe she’s tired, or bored, or has something on her mind. Whatever it is, it’s clear she’d rather be elsewhere.
How do you feel after that?
Finally, one last scenario: you go to the same place, but the person at the counter is surly and maybe even a bit rude. She looks tired, a bit out of sorts, and is absent-minded. The person is full of negative energy, and even though that person does his or her job, it’s very clear that engaging with you is an irritation.
How do you feel after that exchange?
Humans are designed to pick up on the non-verbal cues of other humans as part of our survival. It’s in our genes to “read” other people not by the things they say, but by their behavior. The reason I’m posing these three scenarios is because I want to make it clear how much *your* personal happiness actually affects other people, no matter WHAT words come out of your mouth. You can tell everyone you’re “fine” until the cows come home, but if you’re not fine- if you are tired or preoccupied or bored or resentful- other people are most likely able to pick up on that. It’s in the way your body moves, the way you make eye contact, the way you respond.
So, even if you just have a quick exchange with someone else, it makes a difference.
I don’t know about you, but I am super-sensitive. When I have an odd or negative connection with someone, whether it’s my daughter or a stranger, I take that with me. It makes me feel concerned, self-conscious, and I worry I might have unknowingly done something to offend without even knowing it.
I also get a little out of sorts when I have “vacant” exchanges with people. I’m not talking polite, run-of-the-mill stuff, I’m talking when you interact with someone who’s clearly just *not* really there. There’s a look to their eyes, their face, their posture. You can tell they really aren’t all that happy or engaged in the current situation. They are somewhere else.
On the flip side, when I have a authentic experience with someone, it charges me up positively. Even if it’s just PASSING someone who takes the time to look me in the eyes with a pleasant look on their face, it makes a difference to me. It makes me feel connected and okay about myself. It leaves a good feeling, and a good impression. It sticks with me, and it can often have a domino effect- my happier mood becomes apparent in my body language and in my interactions with OTHER people. And I REMEMBER it, too.
You see where I am going with all this?
This week, we’re talking about PRACTICE here at Bliss Habits. And after thinking about what “practice” might be most important to benefit not only ourselves but the world around us, I realized that SELF-CARE is the most essential practice we can all take part in. Why? Because it leaves us feeling better about both ourselves and life in general. And when we feel those things, our behavior reflects it.
Look, I’m not telling you to book a spa day every week and get at least eight hours of sleep every night. I’m not telling you to quit your job, or hire a cook and a housekeeper and a driver for your car. That’s just not reality for most of us.
What I am suggesting is something that was inspired by Jennifer Louden and her book “Life Organizer”- make a short list of ESSENTIAL things you need every single day in order to maintain a sense of balance and “okay”ness in your life.
This should not be a list of wishes and wants for the perfect life. Nor should it be a list of things you are already doing regularly (for instance, my list would NOT include swimming, because that’s already something built into my daily schedule) but a list of basic, attainable things that make you feel plugged in and centered, but things that often get the shaft.
For me, my list would be:
– getting enough sleep
– staying hydrated
– time to myself WITHOUT interruption
– avoiding multi-tasking
These are the things I often easily sacrifice for other things but the things I find I really *need* to not lose my sh&t at the slightest hiccup in day-to-day life. If I’m tired and thirsty and don’t have time to take care of my basic sanity-related needs, it’s more likely that if life suddenly goes a little topsy turvy, I won’t be as able to handle it.
Once you have that list, practice checking off every.single.thing on it every day for the next month. Do this religiously. See if anything changes. See if your relationships with people change. See if your level of productivity changes. It’s worth a month, isn’t it?
Jennifer writes:
“Between surviving and leading a fully humming creative life lies the middle ground of determining your minimum requirements for self-care. … It can be easy to discount the importance of these basics, because getting enough alone time or napping when you are tired just doesn’t sound as sexy as realizing some fabulous dream. Yet without these basics, the dreams don’t come true, or you can’t sustain them when they do, or most tragically, it turns out that you are following not your dreams but rather a script about what you should do. But when you reach a certain stage of commitment to your self, you find that you are willing to give the amout of attention and energy needed to these basics, because without them, it isn’t your life. You discover that you have less leeway to stray from what is essential.”
I know self-care can sometimes feel selfish or demanding or an imposition/inconvenience on your family. I know that it might even frustrate people close to you (“you don’t want to do _____ with me?” —insert guilt-trip here—). But every time you consider sacrificing two hours of sleep, or consider sacrificing just a few minutes to close your eyes and center in the middle of the day, or consider sacrificing a morning writing or painting or some other *essential-to-you* activity in favor of something else, or consider sacrificing your evening walk, remember that your choice will not only affect you, but a lot of other people.
I’d love to know, what’s on YOUR self-care list? What do you need to do regularly to stay centered and feel like “yourself”? What do you need to do more of? What do you find yourself doing instead? How can practicing self-care make a difference in your world?
Chel Micheline is a mixed-media artist, curator, writer, and avid gardener/reader/swimmer who lives in Southwest Florida with her husband and daughter. When Chel’s not making art or pondering the Bliss Habits, she’s blogging at gingerblue.com (come say hi!) or posting new things in the gingerblue etsy shop.
This is so true. If we don’t take care of ourselves,we don’t feel good and then we can’t give to others. If we think our daughters, friends, etc., should take care of themselves, we need to show them how.
Great post. Thank you much!
Thank you, Susan! I know it’s something that gets repeated a lot but self-care is usually the first thing to go when we get short on time. I’m trying to remember it needs to be a scheduled part of every day, like all the other “crucial” aspects of the day.
This is fantastic! Love the quotes, too. And it’s all so true. I’ll give this some thought, for sure.
The coffee shop stuff is so true, too. Just today, a dude at Starbucks was so pleasant. He asked how my day was going in a way that seemed like he actually *wanted to know.* Imagine that. When he wished me a good day, he seemed like he meant it. I was like that is the best barrista guy ever!! I still remember how sweet this one girl was at the food court at the mall when I was only in middle school. It was December, and she complimented my green sweater and said “happy holidays!” in the nicest way that I was like, wow, I love that girl!! It just stood out, and years later, it still makes me smile to know some people are really good at spreading that kind of cheer in the world. I’ve thought for a long time, oh I’d love to be more like that, but what you point out is true – the days I don’t feel up to being that way are because I’m just drained and haven’t been filling my own cup. And it’s good to point out that our weird negative states really can affect other people, even in passing, I don’t usually think about it that way, but that’s true!
Isn’t it funny how little stuff like that can not only change our days, but stick in our minds for the rest of our lives? That’s kind of what I meant. I remember, once I was in a mall in Atlanta and the young guy helping me out in a store asked very kindly if I had been shot in the leg. I was a little surprised, but explained my situation and he then shared with me that he had been shot in a drive by when he was a young teen. It was this very amazing exchange for me, and I’ll never forget it. And I always remember when people are just extra nice or happy or engaged, even if it’s just a brief exchange. On the flip side, I remember going into a store right after 9/11 (I was still in NY since I couldn’t get a flight out) and the clerk was SO bitchy to everyone- she was complaining about having to work an extra half hour to the other girl she was working with- and people were REALLY affected by it. There was this sense of chaos and fear, and everyone was being compassionate and then this clerk was like a smack in the face. She just was mean and in a bad mood- and it rubbed off on everybody. People were commenting on it to one another.
Self care is important but on the other hand being sensitive and taking on what other people are experiencing is not personally responsibility, I always remind myself it is never about someone else, it is always about me so I have to be mindful not sensitive…and manage my own energy and not make it dependent on others.
My self-care list includes: getting enough sleep, eating healthy, working out, meditating, playing or snuggling with my family. When I just started having kids, I was guilty of taking time for myself. But then I realized that carving a short time for taking care of myself is not really being selfish but ensuring that I am always at my best for them. I come back rejuvenated and happier. My family always benefits when I’m happy.
Exactly! Whenever I am happy and well-rested, my daughter is ABSOLUTELY aware of it. She wants to engage and be around me. But when I’m tired and quiet, my daughter sort of reflects that back on to me- she stays quiet, too.