Just because you can…

So excited to have the generous and very kind Jackie Walker back with us again. Some of you may remember her marvelous The Art of Self Romance.  She is always ready with a kind comment or tweet when needed, and then when I needed someone to chime in on flexibility she was there again! I think you will be as pleased as I am that she was able to join us today. Enjoy!

 

What does flexibility mean to you? Does it mean the ability to touch your toes or do a double back flip, or does it mean the ability to be a chameleon changing with the wind to being whatever others want you to be? Or, maybe, just maybe, it means having the insight to realise that s/he with the most behavioural flexibility will be the one who controls the system within which they find themselves?

Jings, that last one is a bit of a mouthful! What it basically means is that if you are able to alter your behaviour to get the results you want, then you are more likely to succeed. This is what is meant by the Einstein quote ”Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

The key to this lies in the pretty hefty clue – ‘to get the results you want’. The obstacles lie in the fact that what you want and what someone else wants are often different.

When you are willing to accept responsibility for your goals and wants, then you begin to accept responsibility for how you get them. It’s likely that you’ll find your goals and wants tie into your values, what’s most important to you in life.

So, for example, the person who has the goal of earning as much as they can in a job which is paid hourly, is willing to work all the hours the boss can give them. Perhaps they have an overarching value of freedom, or security, or they’re saving to travel, etc

Their colleague, on the hand has a different goal, their’s is to get out of the house a few times a week, this person finds all the hours the boss gives them an invasion of their ‘other’ time. This person does much of their ‘other’ work online, they want some physical face:face interaction in their week.

Who needs to be most flexible in such circumstances? If they are going to control the system, then logic would tell us the boss needs to be most flexible. Others will suggest that the person who wants to get out of the house a few times per week can do so by filling in the unwanted shifts. And then, there’s the case for the person who wants to earn as much as they can – they can fill in all the blank spots.

The truth is, that they all need flexibility. And, beyond flexibility there has to be understanding and commitment to one another’s goals.

What usually happens is that the boss believes everyone thinks like him. He doesn’t realise that there are different needs within his team. He believes that like him, everyone is interested in money, spontaneous extra shifts, and surprisingly sudden cancelled ones.

I was one of those employees. It won’t take Einstein to guess which one!

Flexibility is one of my strongest attributes, not only because I can still put my nose on my knee aged 52! Folk have always thought I’m more flexible than I am, I think it’s because, suffering from duckitis, (bum’s too near the ground) I find it easy to touch my toes!

I was flexible in the old days because I wanted to make a good impression. I wanted to be liked. I always said yes, then spent days trying to juggle the obligations I’d committed myself to in order to keep all the balls in the air and not let anyone down. I bet that sounds familiar, yes?

I then learned about boundaries. Woah, you mean I can say no? And it won’t matter if they don’t like me, really? How cool is that! So, I started practising, and it worked, and it felt great. This is the point where we can become quite selfish if we aren’t careful with our intent and delivery.

And then, I progressed onto Stage II – this stage is the one I’m talking about up there, the person with the most behavioural flexibility is the most likely to succeed. That meant that instead of just saying ‘no’ and ‘yes’, I had to work out where I could change to not only benefit the system but meet my values and goals.

So, as someone who is well practised and a trainer in these things, how did I end up finding myself needing to pull the flexibility cord to get me out of the freefall jump I seemed to have ended up in?

I am a sucker for a sob story. Yes honestly! I also believe I can help almost anyone to feel better. Along with a big heart, I patently still had a big head! My boss was having a hard time. Summer season and a very obvious staffing issue were the main concerns.

My good friend flexibility started to speak to me. Hey, you can do this to help out. You can be flexible. I started to say yes to extra hours fitting my own work around theirs (my summer has been quiet workwise).

It appeared the more I gave, the more he took. His behaviour deteriorated, not paying us on time, demanding extra shifts, having temper tantrums and generally his expectations outgrew the space which had once contained them. It appeared to me, he was lost.

As soon as I realised that he appeared lost, I had to look at myself. Was I lost too? For what reason would he turn up and expect my flexibility when he had none. For what reason was his job more important than my work. For what reason was I being untrue to myself, again.

What my good friend flexibility had forgotten to remind me was to pay attention to my values and goals when I was saying yes. My good friend flexibility has just whispered in my ear ‘That wasn’t my job to remember, that was yours.’

Flexibility Tip –
Just because you can do a double backward flip, followed by a one handed handstand, doesn’t mean you ‘have’ to unless it’s taking you closer to your heart, your values and your vision.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jackie lives in the beautiful Scottish countryside and looks after her poorly mother. She loves observing herself and others to find the patterns which make people tick. Currently she’s working on The Mothering Revolution, a project which addresses how to unblock any stuck mothering love.